When the Guilt Monster shows It’s Terrifying Face

When the Guilt Monster shows It’s Terrifying Face

We are all grown up now and don’t believe in monsters, right?  But what if we get confronted with our one of our biggest fears – guilt. Yep, we keep trying to hide from this one.  Yet, we often try to live up to the expectations of others and when we are doing that it is easy for the Guilt Monster to slide out from under the bed and scare us!  He says, “Why did you do that?”

And, what do we answer?  “Nothing.  We try to scare him back by yelling, screaming, calling him names, but it just keeps getting worse.  We start feeling guiltier because we were yelling, screaming, and calling him names.  Then we tell everyone, “Go away, I’m not going to talk to you.”  And, that does not make us feel better.

So what can we do?

  1. Remember that people who are visited by the guilt monster are usually more sensitive and caring.  If they didn’t care, they wouldn’t feel guilty for not living up to the expectations of their parents, children, friends, etc. 
  2. Don’t forget you are human.  You do human things – things that might be wrong in society or wrong in your crowd, but that are just part of living. 
  3. So, forgive yourself.  It’s OK.  Even if it was a mistake, it’s ok.  Own it.  Say to yourself, “Yes, I did this, but now this is what I need to do in my life to be whole.”
  4. If the guilt monster keeps coming back because other’s in your life can’t accept your past actions, don’t let them go.  Give them time.  You are already moving on and you have already forgiven yourself.  They just need time to catch up with the changes in you.  Those that love you will be there and will catch up to where you are.  Have faith in that.
  5. If the guilt monster keeps coming back, reach out for help.  Find a psychologist or someone who is an expert in monster fighting and who has a big bag of tools to help you banish the guy.

Overall, guilt is an emotion that is helpful, but also destructive.  Those that feel guilty are ten times more likely to act in ways that are not healthy or positive.  Those that learn to forgive themselves are able to be resilient faster and to live positive lives.


Six Degrees From Barach Obama: How I Knew His Mom

Six Degrees From Barach Obama:  How I Knew His Mom

As I listen to Barack Obama giving his farewell address to our great nation, I am taken back in time…

Actually, I have been transported back in time during these entire eight years. During the first Obama campaign in 2008, I had the privilege to shake Barack’s hand.  I said to him, “Masi bisa Bahasa Indonesia?” (Do you still speak Indonesian?) He answered, “Masih bisa.” (I still can.)  Then I said, “I knew your Mother.”  That got me a doubletake and a second handshake.  I mumbled something about the Ganesha Museum, but the reality is I did not remember how I met her, only that I knew her.

Today is the last day of Obama’s administration and still, I have not uncovered the mystery of how I met Anne Soetoro.  Nor have I finished this article.  Two things happen when you write memories from a distant past.  Remembering the past brings on a nostalgia and yearning for days gone by.  It also awakens one to the fact that our memories have holes — areas where the memory is not complete, where the surrounding details are lost.  All I really have are impressions of the past.  The following are my impressions. I don’t promise to be accurate.  Memories are never accurate.  The most important thing is that the impressions are a reflection of the impact events create.

In 1981 my first husband, Vinod, and I moved to Jakarta, Indonesia.  In the first six months house-in-kuninganof arrival, I gave birth to my youngest son.  I managed my time taking care of him, but immediately jumped into learning and living within the culture.  I enrolled my daughter in a Balinese dance class.  I looked for opportunities to meet Indonesian women and to learn from them. I was also active in the American Women’s Association (AWA), singing in the chorus and at the American Club, learning tennis (a lesson was just a dollar).  I often sat for tea with other expat wives or read voraciously from our book club collection of books.  Still, I longed for a deeper connection to the country I who was hosting me.

I had already experienced many admirable moments during that time.  I had, as an AWA singer, sung for events held by Martha Holdridge, the American Ambassador’s wife.  Our group also was invited to sing for the President of Indonesia and his wife, Ibu Tien Soeharto.  We posed for a picture behind Ibu Tien as she sat in her chair at the Palace.  I remember lightly touching her chair with quick reminder’s by her guards that it was inappropriate to touch Madam First Lady’s chair!

Sombrass-flyetime in those first few years, I heard about an informal interior decorating course taught by a wife of a key embassy personnel.  (I do not remember her name and never knew his position.  I could only guess that it was key by the house they were assigned.)  The woman who opened her home to our small group of six was a beautiful and welcoming person.  Her lessons resonated with me.  I learned the importance of focal points and especially ones with a bit of humor or that invite laughter.  Her’s was a stuffed cat with its leg up and head bowed as if licking itself that sat on her beautiful, stylish sofa.  Another that we used during lunch was a brass fly that one of our members brought.

It was in this course that I met Anne Soetoro.  Anne was the one who brought the brass fly.  The above picture is not the one she brought, but a similar brass fly.  They sold brass flies in the marketplace.  Often, they were ash trays in disguise.  We used it as a focal point or centerpiece for a dinner table arrangement.

Anne was an interesting person in our group.  Quiet and softspoken, but full of fascinating information about Indonesian culture, she enchanted us with her stories.  Some stories were what I called “Indonesian ghost stories”. She talked about a tree that needed to be cut down and nothing anyone did would release the tree from its place in the ground.  After many frustrating tries, the government changed the road to let the tree remain in peace.  The belief was that this tree had a powerful spirit and therefore should not be cut down.  Another story was about someone who had problems with their electricity.  They called a dukun (a kind of medicine woman or man) to see what the problem might be when the electrician could not fix the problem.  The dukun had them dig a hole in the backyard and they found a box that looked like it was floating in the hole.  After it was removed and prayers said, the electrical problems disappeared and never bothered the family again.

But Anne had a wealth of information about Indonesian art and culture.  I always looked forward to Anne’s stories at our meetings.  I also marveled at the “finds” our hostess received from Anne.  Once Anne found a beautiful ebony board that our hostess used to create a room divider.  It was exquisite!  We usually had to coax Anne to talk.  She was generally quiet and reserved at our meetings.  Because Anne worked, she was not always present at our meetings.  We missed her on those days.

Our interior decorating class developed into a kind of interest group that met for almost a year.  We started doing regular activities like visiting each other’s homes and sharing our decorating interests.  I remember visiting Anne’s home.  I believe Anne lived near the American Club in Keboyaran Baru.  It was a modest home compared to the large homes provided to us by the oil company my husband worked for.  The home had many plants outside lining the veranda.  The interior was full of interesting cultural artifacts from different areas of Indonesia.

Later, Anne arranged for us to visit the home of one of her friends, Halimah Brugger (at least I believe it was hers).  Halimah lived behind the Cilandak campus of the Jakarta International School.  I believe she taught art and music. When we visited, she was not at home but had provided us with entry.  I remember the living room having ten or more large batik pillows lining the living room floor.  No furniture, only pillows.  I loved the concept and how this minimalist look was so inviting.  It was fun to see how others decorated their homes so creatively with local flavor.

I was so happy when the class came to my home.  Anne was there as well and I shared my collection of Indian saris and batik sarongs.  This singular visit changed my trajectory in Indonesia.  One of the women in our group said, “You love textiles.”  Before this, I had already become inspired to learn Indonesian culture by joining a study group on Balinese art and culture through the Ganesha Society (an Indonesian museum volunteer group).  This single comment made me want to study Indonesian textiles and learn more about the history of textiles.  Anne told me there was also a textile study group.  I joined the textile study group and presented a paper on Patola Influence on Indonesian Textiles.  Somehow, I also managed to contact Iwan Tirta, a prominent batik designer, and borrow his antique textiles.  He also asked me to write about this topic for an India-Indonesia exhibit of textiles.  I am proud to say my article was published in an official book about textiles.  I also think that Anne was the person who translated my article.  Though, I have to admit she told me she did not get my copy in time to translate the difficult concepts I had included.  The translation is not exact in my edition of the book, Cindai, Pengenbaraan Kain.

During those days, Anne also told us about a great art exhibit by a Balinese up and coming artist, Dewa Nyoman Djati, that her friend, Kay Ikranagara, was sponsoring.  I was very excited to attend.  I fell in love with the large painting I bought that is in my living room today.  Looking back,  I think it’s funny how I never realized that Anne Soetoro had influenced so many small shifts and changes in my life and yet she did not play a central role.

Here is the painting which I have often said is a representation of who I am:


The most important memory I hold and the one I first remembered about Anne was a conversation we had outside the gate leading to her home.  I was waiting for my driver to bring the car around.  I remember Anne leaning on a cement wall with her long, thick hair and batik kaftan.  We talked for a long time about our backgrounds.  She shared her first and second marriages to an African and then an Indonesian.  I shared my marriage to an Indian.  We talked about what it felt like to live inside a culture — to experience it as a wife rather than as a typical expatriate.  I told her how much I wanted to experience more of Indonesian culture from the inside and not as the wife of an expat.  We shared our deep interest in culture and the values we brought.  I shared how out of place I often felt with the wives of other expatriates.  I seem to remember her telling me her son was going to go to Harvard.  I was so impressed because my son at five or six wore a Harvard T-shirt and proudly exclaimed he was going to go to Harvard.  (He did not, at least not yet.)  At the end of the conversation, we both agreed that a closer friendship would be right for us, but we also realized that her lifestyle and mine wouldn’t allow it.  She worked during the day and I made it a point to be with my family.  My family was everything to me.  There was no time for us.

Looking back I am amazed at how deeply I was touched by the brief and fleeting moments in Anne’s company.  We knew each other, but barely.  And yet, we respected one another and recognized in each other a camaraderie and connection as two people with similar values, goals, and lifestyles.  This is why I look at Barack Obama as the son of a friend.  Someone who is not unlike my own sons.  I admire Anne and all that she did in her life and I understand her. Because she is me.  I too have a life that drifts like tumbleweed on a wide plain.  I, too, have a love for Indonesian culture and Indian culture, and any culture that I touch.  I, too, have a deep love for my family and have experienced the inability to fully give them all that I would wish.

There is really too much to talk about.  Barack Obama is moving on tomorrow.  But, the memory I have of him, his family, and Anne will be deep and enduring.


It took me forever just to write these few paragraphs.  Every time I would start to write, I would check out if I was correct or confused.  I left out dates because I know during the time I knew her I would hear reports of her visiting India or Pakistan and that we met only a few times during the nine years I lived there.  Still, we knew the same people and walked in the same circles.  Much of my experience was influenced by the few exchanges we had.  My Indonesian experience is deep and enduring and one that I hold dear.

The pictures in this article were taken from the internet.  The fly was downloaded from eBay and is of one reportedly made in Italy.  The painting is my own and taken with my phone.  The house is a similar house in the neighborhood where I lived. 








Remembering Martin Luther King, My Thoughts

Remembering Martin Luther King, My Thoughts

A highlight of my life has been my experiences marching on Martin Luther King Day.  I haven’t been there for a few years, but this year I was invited to celebrate in downtown Dayton, Ohio.  I was treated by an inspiring talk by Daniel Juday, Director of the Ohio Diversity Council.

What inspired me were the fee points he made from his experience having lived in Thailand.  I also lived abroad.  So, his experience spoke to me and reassured me why I chose my path to train people who want to experience a life in a different culture.

He, like me, believes that having an intercultural experience is enriching and teaches us lessons we could never imagine.  As he said, “It doesn’t mean you are perfect.  In fact, no one is perfect in a different culture.”  You just are.  And, getting it right is generally not part of the process of learning.

I want to summarize the three points I took away from his talk.

  1. Be earnest.  What he meant by being earnest is approaching the experience of talking to someone in a different culture with an intention to learn.  Be genuine, but be interested.
  2. Be eager.  Approach everyone with enthusiasm and a sense of awe.  I love this one.  I believe that the most enjoyable moments are the ones we share with people who are different.  They teach us more about ourselves than anyone else.
  3. Finally, listen to the stories.  As he said, from our eager faces, stories arise.  Even  if that story is told in the silence of having no words.  He recalled a meal shared with a family in Thailand in which there was no way to talk.  Yet, the very act of being in their home told him their story.  And, when they were able to talk, he heard a little about their life.  I also have my own experiences.  My first trip to India.  I talked so eagerly to my Mother-in-law — in English.  She talked to me — in Hindi.  And yet, I learned so much from her.  I learned her expectations of a daughter-in-law and her love for her family and son.  Unfortunately, I also learned that the calves of my legs were too big and that muscles were not a desirable trait for a daughter-in-law.


While this advice is good for learning in a different culture, it is just as valid when walking into a home in the US.  We often forget through all that we share as Americans that we are also different.  We have differing values, hopes, and fears.  Right now as we are divided as a nation it is even more important to remember the lessons of Marting Luther King and his dream to see us all “bend towards justice”.

Here are Martin Luther King’s words:

“The arc of the moral universe is long,” Dr. King said in closing, “but it bends toward justice.”

In contemplating the civil war, Thomas Parker, a Unitarian minister wrote:

“Look at the facts of the world. You see a continual and progressive triumph of the right. I do not pretend to understand the moral universe, the arc is a long one, my eye reaches but little ways. I cannot calculate the curve and complete the figure by the experience of sight; I can divine it by conscience. But from what I see I am sure it bends towards justice.

Things refuse to be mismanaged long. Jefferson trembled when he thought of slavery and remembered that God is just. Ere long all America will tremble.”

Let us all ride the arc and find justice together!



A New Year

A New Year

It’s a new year and a new daily prompt!

My life follows a flow of waves, some bring me to shore and give me time to post daily.  Others take me on journeys.  I ride the waves to see where I will go each time one grabs me and takes me for a ride.

This year I won’t make a resolution, but will commit to being more present in the moment.  I have been striving to listen to myself and others and be more aware of the changes that are overtaking the world.  I don’t have answers yet, only more questions.  But, as I gain a perspective, I will share it with my readers.

Last night as I watched the various television channels ring in the New Year, one of the hosts asked the audience, “Do you know the meaning of Auld Lang Syne”?  Not many knew what it really meant.  I think we all have a sense of it.

The song goes:

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And auld lang syne?

And the questions is, should we forget old times, old acquaintances?

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet
For auld lang syne!

I imagine this stanza sung with a glass of champagne or a beer tipped towards someone.  I interpret the meaning to be, “For old times, my dear.  Here’s to old times?”

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pu’d the gowans fine,
But we’ve wander’d mony a weary fit
Sin auld lang syne.

This stanza means to me:  “We have both been running about the hillsides and we have had good fortunes (Literally pulled the daisies), but we’ve had our troubled times as well since so long ago.”  I see this stanza as a recognition of a long life that has had it’s ups and downs, its successes and failures.

We twa hae paidl’t in the burn
Frae morning sun till dine,
But seas between us braid hae roar’d
Sin auld lang syne.

I translate this as:  “We have both paid for our choices in life from early childhood until now in the later years of our lives.  We have lived our lives in different places, seas apart, since many years ago.”

And there’s a hand, my trusty fiere,
And gie’s a hand o’ thine,
And we’ll tak a right guid willie-waught
For auld lang syne!

I think it means, “Here’s my hand, friend, and give me yours.  We’ll take a drink (to toast each other), for old times sake.”

And surely ye’ll be your pint’ stowp,
And surely I’ll be mine,
And we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet
For auld lang syne!

And, finally, “You have your own pint of beer (stout) and I have mine.  We’ll take a cup of kindness for one another and make a toast for old times sake”.


It is no wonder this song has lasted the ages.  It recognizes the old times, acknowledges all the good and the bad, and tries to bridge the gaps between old friends with strong memories.  So, to all: A toast to you this New Year and the old times we carry with us.  Let us come together and toast together!

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Hmmm, the title escapes my mind!

Hmmm, the title escapes my mind!

Like a dream it remains elusive!

Returning to the word of the day, today’s word is elusive.

Watching the democratic convention reminded me that often listening is elusive.  I watched the Bernie Sander’s delegates as they complained to the news that they did not feel their voice were heard.  But even as one woman started to explain why, the newscaster interrupted and the moment was lost.  In the end, her voice was still not heard.

We so often forget that listening does not mean agreeing.  Listening does not mean accepting. Listening is the process of hearing another person’s point of view.  In my experience, that important step can make a huge difference in how the other person feels and relates.

For example, so many times I start to explain something to my husband, and he sometimes interrupts assuming he knows what I am going to say.  Even when he gets it right, I still feel unheard because I didn’t get to speak or finish my thought.  I needed/wanted him to listen, not to  think he understood, but to really just listen to the complete thought.  I wanted him to  understand, not agree.

I have come to realize that often listening is such a gift.  When I have been listened to and the other person has reflected back what I said, I have felt empowered.  Sometimes it helps me think more carefully about what I am saying and to determine a new path.  Sometimes, it helps me feel relieved and comforted.  Even when the other person disagrees, I feel satisfied when there is understanding.

Understanding is so often elusive.  Listening is a tool to reach an understanding.  This is why I am so passionate about listening.  I love the idea of listening.  I strive to improve my own skills remembering how important it was.

I was relieved to watch the convention this evening.  The vote count and the decision to have the count read into the record was a step towards recognizing the needs of Bernie’s supporters.  It was an important symbol to help those supporters gain closure and feel heard.  It was an act of acknowledgment they so needed.

For me, small steps towards understanding are the most important steps we can make towards building effective relationships.

Here are today’s tips for listening:

  1. Let them finish their sentence.  Don’t jump in and interrupt and if you do and they look frustrated, back off and let them finish.
  2. Reflect back their own words carefully and with a question in your voice that says, “Is this what you mean?”
  3. Summarize what they said.  You can say, “OK so I am clear about what you are saying, here is a summary of what you said.  (Give summary) Is this right?  That last question is so important.

Find someone today to listen to.  Don’t let understanding be elusive.


The painting of the featured image is by Tricia Calvert.  You can find her work on instagram.

The devil is in ?

The devil is in ?

They say the devil is in the details (weekly photo challenge).  But, I think details are beautiful.  Looking at something close up (but not so close you don’t see anything) really is fun!

So, here are a few details.

The texture of a brick:


Water falling over rocks:


Details in a painting:


A closer look at leaves and plants:


I don’t think it is the devil in these details, but the small parts of a whole that we so often forget to pay attention to.

All the pictures were taken with my cell phone. I love this little tool.  It helps me capture views I would never have thought possible.

The featured image is a close up of a rock with moss.